Foreign Film Recommendations

Hello, hello! This week I wanted to share with you all some foreign films that you may like to see. I feel that watching foreign films is a great way of getting exposure to other cultures and to better understanding the world. (None of the following images are mine.)

Are you ready!? In no particular order:

1.Monster (몬스터):

Monster - Korean film

Monster is a South Korean film that came out in 2014. It is about a serial killer who, by trying to clean up his older brother’s mess, eventually clashes with a girl who is not afraid to fight back. Be warned, there is a lot of gore! You can find a trailer for the movie here: MONSTER Movie Trailer

2. Charm School/Bad Girls (Niñas Mal):

Charm School - Mexican Movie

Charm School is a Mexican film that came out in 2007. It centers around the life of a rebellious teenage girl who gets sent to an all girls school. There she is able to form strong friendships and finally make good choices for her future. This movie does have sexual adult content. You can find a trailer here: NINAS MAL – TRAILER

3. Boys (Jongens):

Boys - Netherlands Movie

Boys is a movie from and based in Netherlands, released in 2014. It is all about self discovery as two young boys try and figure out their own sexuality. There is drama, there is romance, and it is all so adorably cute and heart-warming! The trailer is here : Boys (2014) Trailer

4. I Can’t Think Straight:

I Can't Think Straight - UK film

I Can’t Think Straight is a film from the UK and was released in 2008. In this movie two women struggle to find love when bound by the constraints of their cultures. Will they come together in the end despite the disapproval of their families? A trailer can be found here: I Can’t Think Straight – Official US Trailer

5. Miss Granny/ Suspicious Woman (수상한 그녀):

Miss Granny - Korean film

Miss Granny is a South Korean film which came out in 2014. I love this movie! It is very similar to that of 17 Again (with Zac Efron) or Seventeen Again (starring Tia &Tamera Mowry). The main character, Oh Doo-ri, gets a second chance at life after being changed back into a young woman, and ends up singing in her grandson’s band. Very cute, funny, and family friendly! The trailer can be found here: Miss Granny Trailer

6. Marie’s Story (Marie Heurtin):

Marie's Story - French film

Marie’s Story is a French film released in 2014. This movie takes place in the 19th century, is based on a true story, and follows the life of a girl who is both blind and deaf. With the help of a nun, the girl learns to communicate with the outside world. This is a real tear-jerker! You can find a trailer for this movie here: Marie’s Story – Official Trailer

I encourage you all to take the time to explore media outside of your own country, culture and language because your eyes will be opened to so many new experiences and possibilities. Some of these films may be found on Netflix and even Youtube.

Enjoy Life,

Brianna Renner

Earth and Revelations

earth-day.jpgHappy Earth Day, everyone!

The clouds are relieving California’s thirst today! It is sad to think the Early Native Americans of California once thrived on the abundant water resources and the life along the coastal regions. Unfortunately the drought statistics still show that California is in the red zone, fortunately it is better than it was last year. If you would like to keep an eye on the status of the California drought You can go to the U.S. Drought Monitor of California or Click Here.

My heart goes out to Houston, Texas for they are hurting from the severe floods. I would like to take the opportunity in this blog to express some revelations, talk a little about Earth, and leave you with a suspenseful story based on true events along with some fiction that I wrote for the Houston floods.

Yesterday I had a talk with my counselor and it was a very emotional talk. As my fourth semester nears to an end and the fifth is nearly four months away, we talked about majors and what I have done so far. Towards the end of our conversation it hit me! I started crying and said, “I never thought I would be here. I never thought I would make it to college and do what I am doing now. If you asked me five years ago if I would be in college, my answer would have been no.” I limited myself, told myself, “Your anxiety isn’t going to let you go to college. You can’t go to college, you aren’t strong enough to manage that.” Of course a few sobs were let out when my counselor looked at me with tears in her eyes.

I have always had suffocating anxiety to where I fell into the comfort of not leaving my comfort zone, not pushing myself, but telling myself, “That’s too much for me. I can’t do it.” Over the years as I get older I realize that if I want to get anything, I have to push myself and just go for it. There’s a chance of failing either way but it’s worse to not try at all. The best advice for college students: Ask as many questions as you can until you get the answers you need. Don’t be scared to ask or talk to counselors, professors, deans, office staff, ect. You’re at college to establish yourself, to learn as much as you can so when you leave college; you aren’t lost. Whenever I leave a meeting with a counselor or a professor I feel relief like fresh oxygen is flowing through my body again. Fear is the most toxic poison you can feed your body. It teaches your body unhealthy habits and it stunts your success. Think positive thoughts and don’t over think something that hasn’t happened because it is most likely not to happen. Think about a time where you were afraid to do something but you pushed yourself, think about the feeling of that accomplishment you felt afterwards. You CAN do it.

For my story we had to choose an article from the newspaper or news. I chose the floods in Houston. I hope you enjoy it and continue to pray/positive thoughts for the people and the city.

____________________________________________________________________

The Search

The tears from the raging clouds nearly drowned the roads of Houston, Texas. It all came so fast like a spitting waterfall that gushed its body through Houston, bearing no mercy to the life that lives just above the ground; suffocating the lungs of plants. It was 170 years ago where the city faced its first catastrophe along the banks of the Buffalo Bayou. Though reservoirs tried to stunt the chances of floods since the 1940s, the merciless storms still wavered its rage upon the helpless city along with the climate swings and urban booms.

Usually I would be sitting behind a desk around this time. Anxious to kick my heels off and change from my pencil skirt and matching shirt and indulge in the comfort of my sweats and baseball T-shirt. I fixed the falling strands of my brown hair from stabbing my searching eyes. I observed the calamity around me and my heart sunk at the grief in strangers faces. Neighbors were being evacuated from their apartments, bringing only a small bundle of their belongings in trash bags and store bags, carrying their beloved animals on their shoulders. Tears fell down many worried faces as they dragged their legs in the high water. People were also evacuated from major highways thanks to the bayou spills that overflowed from the pit of its reservoirs. The bayou spills began Sunday. The rain cried and cried and cried, revealing a lack of emptiness from the stomach of the clouds that threatened the cities. 

I watched on as young children were carried on the shoulders of their parents and grandparents, waving at the passing people; confused as to why there was so much water. Wondering why they were leaving their homes.

Just down the road there was a pitching cry and the sound of water thrashing violently. I gasped at the urgency and I began to run towards the cry, tripping a few times in the process and picking my tired body from sinking beneath the water.

“Look!” A young little girl cried! “It’s a puppy!”

I didn’t hear her, it was all a blur. By time I got to the drowning puppy it began to kick less, exhausted from fighting to keep its head above the water. I grabbed the small golden retriever and placed it on the hood of the car next to us. Panting from exhaustion, waiting for the ball of anxiety to subside and disappear. But it wouldn’t go away. 

By Tuesday runoff from the creeks spilled over from the 18 inches of rain that ravished the banks. People in living facilities were evacuated. Hope was taken away when the roads that had been reopened, now lies buried beneath the raging floods that continued on through Wednesday. Studies proved that it was a result from the extreme rainfall from the Gulf Coast. This isn’t the first disaster that struck the city of Houston. Just after seven years of being established, Houston received its first flood in 1843.

“HELP!”

I picked my head off the hood of the car and found a woman half-plunged under the water thrusting her arms from slapping the water around her and pushing herself away from the car she was trapped in. I picked the puppy up from the hood of the car and placed it in the little girl’s arms.

A small crowd of people hurried over to her, I was the first to get to her.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, opening the door to her blue mini van.

She tried to keep herself from sobbing, “It’s my seat belt! I can’t get out! I’m stuck!” The exasperated woman grabbed my arm, “You have to help me get out! My grandson is in the back!”

I looked behind her and saw a chin sticking up from the water, he looked no more than two years old. I tried to open the sliding door but it would not open.

The woman in the car gasped!

“You have to open it from the inside! The locks don’t work right and  the keys fell on the passenger side’s floor. I can’t reach it!”

My eyebrows frowned at the new challenge before me. I thought to myself, “Of course the locks don’t work. Of course the keys are lost. What else could happen?”

“It’s going to be okay, I will get your grandson out. I promise,” I placed my hand on her shoulder.

My eyes searched frantically for anything that could help me unlock the door. Finally I found a skateboard on the steps of a staircase. I ran towards it and fell over a mysterious object in the water. After picking myself up I reached the staircase and brought the skateboard back to the car. The baby had started wailing, it must be tired from holding his head up.

“It’s okay, baby!” The grandmother cried.

I smashed the window open and tossed the skateboard to the side. Balancing my footing, I carefully attempted to climb inside. Not careful enough.

“OUCH!” I was cut but I didn’t know how bad, I wasn’t paying attention to it. I quickly crawled from the very back of the car, over bags and suitcases and flopped over the seat next to the boy. The boy relaxed when he saw me but it nerves began to get the best of him again. Quickly, I began working on his seat belt, but much like the woman’s; it was stuck.

I wanted to SCREAM! UGHHHH!!!! Why is this so hard!?

Fear rose to my head and I began to stumble over my thoughts. What am I supposed to do?

The boy began to twitch. He couldn’t hold his head up any longer.

My breathing began to turn into quick breaths, my nerves were going in shock as well. My eyes landed on the broken glass and impulsively I grabbed a short piece that fit in my hand and started to cut the belt loose. Blood slid from my palm and made the water red.

The boy slumped over in the water, free at last. I picked his body up and carefully crawled out of the back window.

“He’s okay! Your grand baby is okay!” I ran to her side and showed her the crying boy in my arms.

She began to sob, “thank you! Oh, Thank you!”

I went back to the back window and grabbed another piece of glass and removed the woman from her entrapment. She was pulled out of the car and united with her grandson.

“You’re a hero, young lady!” The woman holding her grandson enveloped me in a tight hug. I winced at the sharp pain coming from my side. I looked from my bleeding hand to the blood flowing from the side of my right thigh.

“Are you okay?” A young woman who looked the same age as me, inspected my wounds. She tore a piece of clothing from her shirt and wrapped my hand up in it. She tore another piece off and wrapped it tightly around my thigh.

“Thank you.” I extended my good hand out, “My name is Allison, what’s your name?”

She shook my hand, “Peggy.”

The crowd that was around the car turned from the woman and her grandson to thank me. It was not a problem, they were all trying to help too.

The reservoirs were out in the country when the city began to grow, town officials seem to have forgotten them over the last 20 years. Now here we are in the pit of this Water Apocalypse. Money was spent on drainage systems to accommodate floods, a $1 billion investment in 4 years. Nice try, guys. Several floods hit over the years. One of them ironically named, the Tropical Storm Allison. A collection of 39 inches of rain. Money seems to always be the problem. Frantic to find it, frantic to decide where to spend it.

I wiped away the salty water from my forehead with the back of my left hand and walked in the direction of any pleading cries. We are in numbers now, our group got bigger as we helped more and more people. After today, at least 7 people were dead.

The search continues on.

_________________________________________________________________

Article used: http://www.sacbee.com/news/nation-world/article72580057.html

I hope everyone has a great day and a beautiful Earth Day experience!

If you want to do a few things that don’t take much time, please throw away garbage and recyclables in the appropriate waste. Earth is here today but if we don’t keep it clean and healthy, it may not be here tomorrow. It gives us the chance to live, we should not stunt its breath of life either.

Until next Friday,

Ashley 🙂

Severe%20Weather%20Texas.jpg20160419_usdm_home.pngEarthDay.jpg

Keeping in Touch

I usually post Wednesdays, but my computer has been spotty lately.

 

Keeping in touch – it’s a difficult process for some, but easier for others. Having moved around quite a bit in my life, I try to stay in touch with people as much as I can, and am as supportive of their current projects/life endeavors as I can be from where I am.

It does become a little bit disheartening with I’m constantly ignored, or even blocked because I attempted to say hello. I was severely bullied in high school, having spent most of the time at home rather than at school avoiding my attackers. That being said, I’m currently on good terms with two of the people who constantly berated me — having been victims of bullying in college, and apologizing to me later on in life. I know I didn’t do anything to these people to make them dislike me, in fact some of them I haven’t really spoken to SINCE college. So what am I to make of this.

When someone doesn’t want to reach back out to you, or even acknowledge your existence, it’s quite diminishing to your psyche. Regardless, some people just don’t give a shit about catching up, or just plain old dislike you for no reason. Not everyone is going to like me, or want to be my friend, and I’ve realized that thankfully by the age of 23.

I’ve tried to reconnect with probably over 50 of the people I knew in high school, either to just have on Facebook so I’m not totally clueless when I go to my reunion, or to actually catch up. Only about 6 people have actually responded and taken the time to add me back or talk to me occasionally, and I’m thankful for them. I’ve been blocked by four who were actually really close friends of mine growing up. One literally lived across the street from me growing up, and I share the most memories with her.

So what’s the point of me sharing all of this? I know I’m not alone. I know I’m not the only person to have tried to reach out to old, dear friends, and get nothing in response. It’s taking me some time to come to terms with the fact that even people who once knew me the best, don’t have a care to know me now. And that’s okay.

I’m happy with the life I live and the friends I have, and if someone doesn’t want to be a part of that, that’s on them. I can go to sleep at night knowing I’ve tried to reach out, and I’ve done nothing to those people. I can rest easy knowing I am the person I want to be right now, living the life I want to leave. And screw anyone who is too self centered to give a shit about anyone else, especially the people who rooted them on from day one.

Don’t forget the little people, sometimes they care more than you think.

Till next time,

B

Nothing but the 1s and 0s.

If I were to name one thing I’d been studying throughout my time in college these past many years, it would be computers – perhaps not since my first year but within the first few years I started going to college.

At the time I enrolled in my first computer classes, I’d been working in retail for 5-6 years – two drug stores and one men’s clothing store from ages 16 through 22.  By the time I was 20, I realized that whatever “Joe” job (or, in this case, “Jane”) I got, I didn’t want it to be standing on my feet doing physical labor tasks (checking and bagging purchases) and possibly getting dirty.  I wanted, at the very least, to develop enough computer skills to make me marketable for the elusive (for my unskilled self) office job.  I count my blessings I already knew how to type (thank you, 7th grade typing classes!).

I thought I’d start at the beginning with Computers 101.  Talk about basic!  It was an overview course of the history of computers then touched on different types of applications and programming languages.  A good start, but I didn’t come out of it really knowing how to do anything useful.

Meanwhile, I found myself no longer working in drugstore #2 and was working as a telephone operator (what I could find that wouldn’t interfere with my ability go to school).  Working as a telephone operator sure didn’t pay very well, but the hours worked for me for the most part.

My next foray into computer classes was to actually learn how to use the popular applications of the time.  Since it was 1993-1994 and on the brink of the computer world going from DOS to Windows, the app versions I learned were all DOS-based.  Not super-useful for upcoming technology but good enough to help me get an office job.  I zipped through DOS-based Word Perfect, Excel, Access and PowerPoint.  It wasn’t my intention to then find myself spinning my wheels as a secretary for the next 20+ years, but, at least, I was no longer on my feet and no longer working as a call center, customer service sort of employee.

Moving on from those user-side computer classes, I enrolled in computer programming classes.  I especially enjoyed programming logic where we learned to write algorithms.  Unfortunately, my flighty side took over so I never got far in computer programming and pursued other interests along the way.  However, even in learning how to write algorithms, I was able to apply that knowledge to my office jobs, like when writing formulas in Excel (concatenate, anyone?).

A decade or so later, I blinked and realized I needed to kick myself into gear and finish my computer science prereqs for the IGETC so I could transfer to a university.  Taking a look at what I still needed to complete, I decided to transfer as a psychology major (since my prereqs for that were long completed while I was a few semesters out still to complete the CS prereqs).  Yeah, I discovered once I got to CSU San Marcos that there was no way I could major in computer science without quitting my job, which I wasn’t willing to do as, at the time, good jobs were hard to come by in San Diego so my dream of working in computers was going to have to wait a little longer.  Meanwhile, schools had caught up with technology and were offering classes online.  I took computer-related classes here and there – mostly related to web design.

Another decade goes by, and I find myself living in Sacramento and, once again, working as a secretary.  However, I discover that what little I learned over the years looks pretty good on my résumé and makes me more marketable (Wow!  This is pretty awesome!).  While my younger self felt I’d always had to put on hold what I wanted to do in my future until I finished school, my older (and present) self realized this *is* my future, right before me, with opportunities I just need to create and/or explore.  I get to take web-design-related classes *and* apply them to my real-world tasks; it really doesn’t get better than that, especially since, in the case of my regular job, I’m getting paid my regular wage to work on my department website.  I’m also tasked with maintaining and redesigning from the ground up my parish website, plus a couple of other web design opportunities at work.

When I read about students stressing out over delays in completing their education for various reasons not of their own making (such as reduced number of available classes and tuition increases), I think, “The world is out there for you to explore.  Take what you know and in the times you aren’t able to take the class you need or have to take off from school, make the opportunities happen.”  Same thing when they graduate and discover that there aren’t automatically jobs to apply to to which their degrees conform.  It’s really not that difficult, but it can be daunting when no one is guiding these students in how to navigate the working world.  For my parish, what I’m doing is essentially volunteer work, but I get real-world experience that will go on my résumé.  For my regular job, working on websites was never part of my job duties when I got hired on; it wasn’t even projected as a responsibility for me to take on in the future.  Those classes I took here and there paid off years later in being offered the web maintenance responsibility later on when it came up.  Even with various charitable organizations, volunteer opportunities are out there so I want to say that these delays that sometimes happen with your college education (like with mine although mine were mostly of my own making) are options to go discover what you can do instead with the time you unexpectedly find available.

For now, I’m still studying web design and working on transferring to an online program for computer science.  Issues with my health push that dream further out (since I need to be able to sit in class physically for my math prerequisites which I really can’t do currently), but I don’t despair.  I consider my options and what else I want to learn meanwhile – more CSS, JavaScript, SQL, other programming languages, etc.  I see nothing stopping me now.

Next week – Part XII:  There I go, warts and all.

LNR

To the One in my Heart

*My topic for this week may be a bit personal, but I believe it an important subject if ever experienced by another. This loss I’ve experienced can also give my readers a bit of insight as to what inspires me to write and how I’ve come to be. :)*

Everyday, my heart yearns to be with yours. When my eyes close, I see that beautiful smile of yours. When I feel cold, I can still feel the heat of your warm, soft hands grabbing hold of mine.

There are days when I fear that I’ll lose those senses, and succumb to the loss of memory that plagues so many as they grow old. But I think of you everyday. Your picture is in my heart. And I know better.

For not even death can truly take you away from me.

It’s funny, because when we parted ways, I stopped asking God for things and I started asking you. When I need help, I call your name. When life gets hard, I think of you. When I need peace, I think of when I used to sit in your lap, nestled in the cotton of your beige suit and your tan-knit vest. Your thin ivory chunni slips off of your white hair, which, as always, is placed in a little bun. I laugh as you gaze at me through your clear spectacles, wearing a grin of your own. You always knew how to make me laugh. You always put a smile on my face. Your light was so warm. Your wrinkly warm grasp is even more unforgettable. And when I need to write, I picture you just like that, and remember why it is I put so much passion into what I do.

I miss you everyday.

Loss is a torturous and horrid sensation. It is also a perplexing notion. It deprives us of what we cared for, yet it fills us with ceaseless feeling. Sadness. Anger. Pain. We lost, yet we are bombarded with entities of another sort: emotions. The greater the feeling, the greater the person. It is not always so, but loss, no matter how minimal or grandiose a being’s impact on our lives, is still loss.

When Mama passed, I felt as if a part of my heart had been broken off and hidden. I was scared, because I didn’t know if I would ever find it. How do you go on with a broken heart? How do you stand not being whole? For a great deal of time, I didn’t know how to piece myself together.

Another thing with loss: it holds no consideration of time. It is why my first piece of advice on the topic is this: whom you hold dear today, can be gone tomorrow, so live each day loving and caring despite all that may challenge you, even within the fragile hours of the day. Cherish what you have. Live and love with no regrets. Show kindness. Show care.

Though time gives no rumination for when loss occurs, it is essential to how we heal in the aftermath. Four years, and I still find myself some days, hoping to wake unto a miracle. It’s of no use though; with such loss there is only one thing we must first accomplish: acceptance. But don’t fail yourself or give up. You must stay brave. Stay strong. And find within yourself, the power to make up for that broken piece.

I keep her in my thoughts so that I can accomplish great things and overcome challenges.

I keep her in my heart so I know how to be strong through them.

There’s something the world should know about my Great-Grandmother: she always gave to those who needed it most. She gave shelter to family when they didn’t have a home. She gave food to those, human or not, with growling stomachs. She tended to beings with the greatest of care. And she gave me love in my father’s place.

Another great lesson from loss: you learn, no matter how much you fight it at first, that you don’t have to be alone to get through it. After clearing the clouds obscuring my vision, I found support in all the places I’d refused to look. My mother, as she has been everyday of my life, is the other rock and portion of my heart to which my thoughts always travel. So when I did need to heal, I wasn’t alone.

Find that being. Find all the other entities that accumulate the rest of your heart. For if one being is gone, I can only hope that there are others to whom your grievances can be transformed into strength. Just keep fighting to make that lost part of your heart whole again.

That part of my heart may never be the same, but I created something beautiful inside of myself, simply by reflecting the kind of person Mama always believed I was and would be. I truly believe she saw something in me that I couldn’t. I count myself lucky to have someone who saw me at all. So now, everyday, I strive to be what she saw me as. And then, I aspire to be even better. Because of her and my mother, I know what strength is. Because of them, I know what love is. Because of them, I know what it takes to be exceptional.

So here is to the woman who loved me unconditionally and wanted me, to unconditionally love the world.

To my Great-Grandma. To my other parent. To my Protector.

Thank you for your love.

-Kiran Bains Sahota ( sunsetdahlia.wordpress.com )

 

The Little Things

puppy-1000x667

Just in this past week I’ve finally been living up to doing something new. By that I’ve moved around things in my room to new places and gotten rid of old clothes and just cleaned out a lot of my stuff. I guess you could say I’ve started my spring cleaning, and I’ll just tell you it feels nice to get rid of some of the clutter and junk. It feels refreshing to wake up every morning, but also at the same time a little weird to see everything in different places after years of growing use to their current places.

Anyways, enough about me and my boring life. Today is all about the little things that make you happy. From a little dog all the way to just something that makes you happy every single day. The little things add up. Moving furniture around and cleaning made me happy for some odd reason. They might be small in the grand scheme of things, but since they made me feel happy I guess it worked out somehow. So that’s kind of what I wanted to say today. Just enjoy the little things in life. It might be pretty cliche, but not everything in life is going to be big and memorable. But sometimes the small things like a little dog grow up to be something huge and unforgettable.

I have nothing else to really say other than enjoy the rest of your weekend. Because that’s how I’m going to spend the rest of my Sunday.

 

 

-Matthew Church

Just Searching For Clarity

Confusing is when you start losing all that you had,

what you had never made sense of.

But what made sense was thinking you are grateful for having anything at all.

 

Tell me a story, not the one about the kisses goodnight or syrup smothered pancakes or breakfast in bed.

Tell me a story, one with meaning.

Meaning, I want to hear your story.

Nothing but a good old fashioned burning cry.

Raw and sincere.

 

“Having anything at all” is better than having nothing, at all.

What confuses my thoughts is the short, most frequent question in my mind. Why?

Why then? Why now? What next, even?

 

It is me. I am why. I confused my mind.

Everything became too complex and the intricacy to finding the answers had me question you, my mind.

I really wanted, and wanting is something I have greed for.

 

I’ll tell you my story.

I guarantee I will confuse you, but I rely on your reciprocated kisses to show me exactly how to see.

And then I will realize I have everything.

My nothing came from exactly nothing, and I had only made room to live frantically in that existence.

That existence, that nothing, opened my eyes to my everything; my story, beginning to end.

 

 

Brenner Social Media Social Justice

Hello, hello! This week I have a list of people that I recommend you get to know through social media. I view these people as social justice warriors for the variety of messages they get across, or conversations they start, all by using the platform of social media. They’re my role models and I hope that they continue to educate and change people’s lives.

1.Franchesca Ramsey

Franchesca Ramsey

Twitter

Youtube <-is actually a link to a specific video on being multi-racial where yours truly has a small appearance.

Tumblr

Facebook

2. Marina Watanabe

Marina Watanabe

 

Twitter

Youtube

Tumblr

Facebook

3. Laci Green

Laci Green

Twitter

Youtube

Tumblr

Facebook

4. Kat Blaque

Kat Blaque

Twitter

Youtube

Tumblr

Facebook

5. Ranier Maningding

Ranier Maningding

WordPress

Facebook

 

Open your minds and…

Enjoy Life,

Brianna Renner

Hugs are the Best Medicine

Hi everyone,

I guess I am the night owl blogger. That should have been my sign-off name! 😉

The past couple of days have been so stressful that yesterday I had a little sobbing break down. What did it involve? School. I have always had an anxiety disorder and if you asked me 5 years ago if I would be in college my answer would have been a determined “NO.”

The challenge I thought would tear me down is actually the challenge that has strengthened me and built my confidence up. It makes me push myself to do better and be better. There’s actually a lot of good hiding behind the curtains of fear that we seem to never acknowledge. In my sobbing mess, my tears flowed faster at the thought of my Grandma. She would have picked me up from the bathroom floor I was crying on, made me forget about my past “coping” methods I used in my dark allies of depression and held me close to her heart and simply said “Everything is going to be just fine.” And I would have believed her. Since she is gone, that thought made me cry even more until my dad (her son) knocked on the door and ushered me into his arms, close to his heart and promised me that everything would be okay. Everything would work itself out. And I believed him.

After 12 weeks of trying to accomplish a difficult math class, I had to drop it with a W or face the consequences of an F (complicating financial aid). My head burned, my heart felt like acid had been thrown on it, and my body was exhausted from fighting to find out how I could fix everything.

Thankfully, soon after my dad left to go eat dinner my sister called me and gave me eye-opening advice. She also told me she had to drop a lot of classes when she was in college. I felt relieved that having many classes dropped was common, that I wasn’t the only one fearing drowning in a sinking boat.

Today, I dropped the class and though I do feel better, I still have to clear things up in school. I am not fully out of the maze yet, but at least I can see over the hedge.

What did I learn from all of this? That even if you are in the stomach of a suffocating challenge, it won’t kill you. There is always a way out even if your conscious is fogged in the adrenaline rush of fear. TALK to someone or you will probably go insane. DON’T lock yourself away even if that how you are feeling. It’s a dark cloud filled with raging rain, but the support from your friends and loved ones will always be an umbrella for you.

Talk to you teachers, counselors, and whoever else involved if you have to drop a class if you are unsure of the consequences of dropping. Stay on top of things so you don’t fall in the undertow of consequences.

That’s all I have for you guys today!

See you next Friday!

Your night owl blogger,

Ashley 🙂

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Finding Joy

No matter who you are or where you come from, joy can be a difficult value to find. Why is it so difficult? Maybe it’s because it is easier to feel emotion as it is raw and instinctual, then it is to let the good outweigh the bad. For when horrid instances occur, they linger. But when great moments happen, they thrive for only a short while before the feeling fades away.

Let’s cry fowl to the overly-stated, “Is your glass half-empty or half-full?” phrase. You know why? Because it doesn’t matter how much water there is, I’m still going to drink from the cup. I have a thirst for life that must be quenched, so if there is a glass, I’ll accept even one drop for the momentary relief it will bless my parched throat with.

But that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? That, no matter how great our strife, we as human beings still live for these moments of bliss. I mean, what is the point of living unhappily? Life is given to us, but happiness is something we have to give ourselves.

So again, I’ll ask: Why can finding joy be so difficult?

Because we think it is.

For a really long time I was searching for happiness. At times however, my joy was escape from reality. I believed that a favorite show, an entrancing read, or even sleep could cure me of the lively satisfaction I sought to discover. But because of this unending exploration, I missed out on a great deal of things trying to find something I’ve always had.

Joy is within us. It is not something you find, just as many of life’s values feign to appear. No, it is something you feel. It is something you create. It is joy, and it is not lost; you just have to reflect on where it has always been.

For me, joy is seeing my friends smile because of something I said. It is hot fudge dripping from a moist chocolate cake, or the perfume of fresh roses sitting delicately in a vase. It is the pearlescent glow of a stranger’s beam as I bid them well, or my mother’s melodic laugh resounding throughout the house. It is the thrill of buying something new, or the relief of sitting down after an exhausting day.

It’s the simplest things that bring us the most joy; it also the simplest things that can be easily overlooked.

Now, I’ve learned not to fret over that which threatens to raise my fear. Instead, I simply look forward to refilling my glass and cherishing every little thing until the last drop.

-Kiran Bains Sahota ( sunsetdahlia.wordpress.com )